I’ve been pretty quiet on here recently, not on purpose. I’ve just been very distracted with a lot of childish drama happening in my life. I always say I will not get tangled up in games but sometimes you get unintentionally dragged into things and into the middle of it all.
I’ve had the unpleasant experience of a relationship breakup. It was a relationship of four years and the heartache is awful. I have also seen some close friends go through it and what it does to a persons mental state is just not cool.
Recently I’ve been going through a different type of breakup, a friendship breakup and this has been particularly hard for me to deal with. A friend is someone you share almost every detail of your life with, the highs, the lows and everything in between. A friend knows the good, the bad and the ugly and if something happens in your life that is drastically bad your BFF is the one to scrape you off of the floor. Now I know people enter and exit your life all the time but when it’s someone who you trusted, loved and enjoyed being around it’s particularly hard to deal with when that relationship changes. I suppose you could say certain friendships can be even more intense than a relationship, depending on the circumstances.
I’m a very anxious person, so for a while I’ve been trying to convince myself that it’s just me, it’s in my head and I’m just being stupid but when you notice someone you used to talk to everyday all of a sudden becomes distant and it’s actually a struggle to start a conversation, I start to worry. I know some friends just drift apart because you change, you find new/different interests, you start to mix with different people but when things don’t even feel in anyway similar to what they used to be, it hurts!
Of all the things I have to be anxious about my life, I have to say the ending of past relationships is by far one of the worst. I always question myself. Was it me? Did I say something wrong? Could I have done something differently? I am a person that needs validity, I need a reason and I need to understand what went wrong. I am a person that cares so deeply that sometimes I overthink and overstep the mark.
Do I regret how things are turning out? Of course. I don’t think I have always been the best person I could be, but I always acted in the way that I thought was best. Maybe I stepped into territory that wasn’t necessarily mine to step into but never was there ever any malice meant. It’s always hard to look at old photos of when times were good, the memories come gushing back but so does the guilt and sadness.
I suppose in the end, it doesn’t even really matter. Life goes on and everybody messes up, makes mistakes and even actions with the best intentions aren’t always the best. All I can do is move on, wish them the best and continue to better myself. We all have regrets when it comes to past relationships but we have to try and not beat ourselves up over it. People come and people go, it’s just how life goes.
I just wish all past or changed relationships the best in whatever path they take. Apologise for any bad blood, mistakes and hope they are completely content with life wherever they end up. I am a true believer that everybody meets for a reason and some lessons have been learnt. And although my past friendship breakups have been tough, it will only make me a better person in the future!